What is the Best Wellness Routine?
- Kaitlin Owens
- 10 minutes ago
- 4 min read
It’s a Gwyneth Paltrow versus Joe Rogan showdown this week.
You could say that I’m a bit of a health and wellness freak. I’ve tried just about every single wellness fad out there. Vampire facials? I’ve had one. My vagus nerve? It’s been activated. Yoni eggs? Yeah… I’ve shoved one up there (even though they honestly don’t really do anything).
In the past, it seemed that the wellness space was primarily dominated by women and queer people. Doing yoga, drinking green smoothies, and caring about your overall health and appearance were considered feminine traits. We used to call straight men who participated in any kind of wellness/beauty routine “metrosexual”. But these days, the Manosphere has developed their own version of capital “W”-Wellness, featuring players like Joe Rogan, who advocates for the sauna/cold plunge combo and dubiously researched brain pills; The Liver King, a major proponent of the “Carnivore Diet” (and anabolic steroids); and David Goggins, a fitness/motivational speaker known for competing in over 60 ultramarathons and yelling at insecure dudes on Instagram Reels.
The Manosphere routine focuses on high-impact training, protein-maxxing, and increasing testosterone production in the body. Whereas the classic Los Angelino-approved, Gwyneth Paltrow-inspired wellness routine focuses on gentle anti-inflammatory exercise, nutrient-dense foods, and rigorous skin care. This month, I decided to pit two queens against each other, comparing and contrasting the two routines to determine which one is better. There are a lot of silly fads involved in the men’s routine, like “jelqing” and GORILLA MIND supplements that I unfortunately will not be able to try, as I lack some very necessary equipment, but I do hope to still capture the Dawg House, sweaty, grindset spirit of the method.
Here are the bare bones of the experiment:
WEEK ONE, AKA Gwyn’s Method:
MORNING
Wake up early and listen to a guided meditation while using a red light therapy panel
2 tablespoons of Spoiled Child’s liquid collagen supplement
Gua sha and lymphatic drainage massage with acupuncture ear seeds
AFTERNOON
Break intermittent fast with a pescatarian lunch featuring heavy veg
EVENING
Take a gentle walk followed by a Pilates/barre fitness class
Dry brushing session followed by a hot bath
WEEK TWO, AKA Joe’s Method:
MORNING
Wake up at 5 AM and lift weights
AFTERNOON
Steak lunch
EVENING
A session of high-impact cardio and more weight lifting
Sauna followed by a cold plunge
Steak dinner
For this experiment, I did one week of Gwyn’s Method followed by one week of Joe’s Method. Gwyn’s Method was surprisingly very easy (mostly because it was a routine that I have been incorporating, in one form or another, into my daily life since high school).
As far as results: a balanced diet paired with regular low-impact exercise makes you feel incredible (who knew). I also really loved starting my day with guided meditation. It made me feel much more relaxed and in less of a rush in the mornings, which led to having gentler and happier days. Starting my days calm and relaxed, then ending them with a hot bath, made for a very serene and anxiety-free week. I didn’t really notice many effects from the collagen supplements or intermittent fasting, but I do love red light therapy (even though I am convinced it might be snake oil). However, ear seeds are one of the greatest inventions of all time.
If you take one thing away from this article, let it be ear seeds. If you’ve never heard of them before, they are these little balls on medical tape that you stick to certain pressure points in your ear. The pamphlet that came with the kit promotes a whole host of restorative benefits that I cannot claim any truth to — however, if you’re looking to have a snatched face, ear seeds will get you there. When you massage those pressure points, it helps to drain any fluid trapped in your face and head, leading to a slimmer appearance.
Now… for the Joe’s Method results…. let me say this: I will never eat that much red meat again in my life.
[CONTENT WARNING IF YOU’RE SQUEAMISH]
I was constipated for four days and then… it was like a cork popped and I had insane diarrhea for the rest of the experiment. My gut still hasn’t recovered. Lifting heavy weights over your head when you constantly feel like you are moments away from pooping your pants does NOT a relaxing week make….
I didn’t really mind the exercise routine. Yes, running sucks — but getting your heart rate up is important. So I can’t knock the high-impact training too hard. Really, the only part of this routine that I fully enjoyed was the sauna. Saunas are wonderful! They are a Finnish gift to the world and have so many amazing health benefits. Cold plunges, on the other hand? Cruel and unusual punishment. They are a sick and twisted invention from a clearly deranged mind. To plunge into icy water regularly is a cry for help and should be treated like a severe mental health episode. If you or someone you love is cold plunging, please reach out for help. There is more to life than Wim Hof breathing.
Overall, I think Gwyn’s method is much easier to incorporate into your daily life. The exercises are low-impact, and the diet has much more variety. I felt a genuine mind-body connection and a general sense of ease during the week — the complete opposite of what I experienced during Week Two. The end goal of Joe’s Method is to make you feel hulked out and masculine, which it does, but I am dubious about the actual long-term health effects of doing high-impact training and only eating meat. To me, I sense the rumblings of a heart attack in my future if I keep on that path. Additionally, the Manosphere routine has very little emphasis on skin quality and appearance, which, to me, is one of the most important parts of a wellness routine. If I don’t LOOK “healthy,” then what’s the point of all this effort?
All I’m saying is, I would much rather find the balance between cigarettes and tofu than crap my pants in a cold plunge. 🌀
Kaitlin Owens is the Archival Editor at Haloscope Magazine and the Editor in Chief of DILETTANTE. For a closer look at her work, please visit her website.
